I’ve put this one off a long time, partly because I didn’t know exactly what to say. I was asked several months ago to write my thoughts of best guidance to parents (and possibly grandparents) whose adult children have never become Christians or have fallen away.
It’s always sad to see a little kid, preteen, or young teenager show interest in something spiritual — singing, Bible class, or just being a “good kid” — and then the child reaches adulthood and is never grounded in the love of God or the gratefulness of worship. They don’t receive any encouragement or further teaching; there’s no acknowledgement of the positive potential in them. They’re “lost” in sin. What can parents do? Here’s eight ideas to reflect on:
- First, pray consistently and purposefully. Never stop praying for the hearts of children and grandchildren to be softened, and for God’s guidance in their lives. Prayer’s often mentioned, perhaps so much so that people “write it off,” but prayer has power. Please don’t forget it.
- Second, show consistent love. I don’t mean that we should show agreement or acceptance if they’re in sin. But show and say that God loves them and you love them regardless of their beliefs and actions. This reflects God’s grace and patience — qualities that they must see in you.
- Third, repent if necessary. Your children’s or grandchildren’s unfaithfulness may be due to something you did long ago. Show them the spirit of repentance and reconciliation by saying, “I’m sorry for what I did. Can you forgive me?”
- Fourth, live out your faith unhypocritically. It may be that “too much water is under the bridge,” but that shouldn’t stop you from godly living. If sins were seen by them of you in years past, give them a great example of what turning back to God looks like. If they come back to God, they’ll need a consistent example of actions, attitudes, and decisions.
- Fifth, create or keep open lines of communication. Once children grow up, the conversations frequently either completely avoid spiritual subjects to “keep the peace,” or they degenerate into frustrated shouting matches. Be honest and respectful with your children without judgment or pressure. Share your own personal process as your faith has grown and the struggles you’ve faced in a genuine, relatable way.
- Sixth, encourage positive influences. Gently prompt relationships with godly mentors or peers who embody spiritual values. It may be your mess, but others who serve God are usually willing to help you clean it up.
- Seventh, be persistent, but not pushy. Invite them to congregational events such as worship assemblies or Bible classes, or activities related to your expression of being a Christian (an informal coffee shop discussion), but don’t insist. Salesmen know it takes multiple attempts when you “cold call” before a sale is made. Too many give up too soon.
- Eighth, seek support and guidance. I’ve given you several ideas, but I certainly haven’t cornered the market on wisdom. Connect with other parents facing similar challenges for encouragement and wisdom.
I’m heartbroken watching our children and grandchildren either never come to faith, or give up their faith once they become adults. Developing faith and overcoming longterm spiritual and emotional setbacks is a complex process with many variables. If they can be restored, it will be an undertaking of patience.
Kyle Campbell