There’s a dangerous pattern that many Christian parents fall into, and most of the time, it’s not intentional. We want to raise godly kids. We want to see them walk with Jesus, love the church, and stand strong in a broken world. But in our efforts to get them there, many of us are creating Pharisees — or prodigals (that is to say, rebels).
Too many godly homes are focused on external behavior. “Sit still. Be quiet. Say ‘yes sir’ and ‘no ma’am.’ Dress right. Don’t say that. Don’t do that.” The goal becomes good behavior. Obedient kids. Church-attending kids. Kids who look Christian.
But here’s the problem — behavior modification doesn’t equal heart transformation. You can discipline your child into submission, but you can’t discipline them into loving Jesus. That’s how we get Pharisees. Whitewashed tombs. Good little church kids who know how to act but don’t know how to walk with God.
On the other side, some parents create prodigals. Not because they’re overly strict — but because they’re hypocritical.
They sing on Sundays but scream at each other the rest of the week. They serve at church but manipulate, withdraw, or control at home. They quote the Bible but don’t live it. They post quotes on Facebook but never sit down and pray with their kids. Church becomes an event, not a life.
So the kids grow up seeing the gap. They spot the fake. And they say, “If that’s what following Jesus looks like, I want no part of it.” And who can blame them? Your child doesn’t need you to be perfect. But they do need you to be real. They need to see you growing, repenting, apologizing, and owning your mistakes. They need to see emotional maturity in you so they can learn what it looks like in themselves.
Emotionally healthy kids come from emotionally healthy homes. Not perfect ones — just honest ones. That means learning to regulate your own emotions so you can help them regulate theirs.
It means not blowing up when they disobey. It means not withdrawing in passive-aggressive silence. It means not using shame or guilt to control them. It means not lording over them with your authority but walking with them in love.
And when you mess up? You own it. You don’t gaslight them. You apologize. You teach them by example what humility and grace look like.
They need to see Jesus in us — not just preached, not just posted, not just performed — but lived. They need to see what it looks like when dad confesses that he got angry and shouldn’t have.
They need to hear mom say, “I overreacted. I was stressed and I took it out on you. That wasn’t okay.” They need to experience what it’s like to sit in a home where peace, patience, kindness, and self-control are being cultivated — even in the middle of mistakes. That’s the soil where true discipleship grows.
If your parenting is all external — rules, behavior, image — you’re not raising a disciple. You’re raising a pretender. Or a prodigal. And both will eventually break your heart.
Adapted from James Bell