While no one reason can be given for all the cases of infidelity in marriage, patterns can be identified. According to the National Library of Medicine, the most common patterns include:
- Emotional distance or drift over time.
- Feeling unappreciated, lonely, or rejected.
- Conflict that never gets resolved.
- Wanting validation, novelty, or escape.
- Personal issues such as low self-esteem, poor boundaries, or addiction-like behavior with chemical dependency (i.e. drinking) or emotional dependency (i.e. pornography).
All of these issues build resentment over time. Of course, none of these justify infidelity; they’re only explanations of why people act the way they do. Interestingly, people cheat and marriages break up during all stages of a relationship. This means that couples can never stop working on their marriage.
Infidelity is usually a mix of the aforementioned problems and personal choices, not just “the marriage failed.” Even in unhappy marriages, cheating is still a decision, and it often reflects deeper patterns rather than a single event. Can anything be done to help couples battle the temptation to commit adultery?
In the 1990s, Dr. Willard Harley published His Needs, Her Needs which argued that the needs of women and men are similar, but their priorities are different. He identified five needs for men and five needs for women. For women, the needs (in order) are affection, conversation, honesty, financial support, and family commitment. For men, the needs (in order) are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, attractiveness, domestic support, and admiration.
A big part of a couple nurturing, understanding, and respecting each other means working toward meeting each other’s most important emotional and physical needs. When these needs are met effectively, the decision to commit infidelity goes down dramatically.
From a positive point of view, couples can build their emotional relationship by taking care of needs. However, from a negative point of view, couples have to overcome what kills a marriage, such as selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, dishonesty, annoying habits, and independent behavior.
Many are bailing out of their marriages, refusing to work their problems out in a godly way, and committing sin in doing so (Malachi 2:16). The world tells people to simply do what makes them happy. People now are relying too much on Instagram and TikTok for marital advice. They’re being told by “influencers” that if their marriage isn’t making them happy, they need to exit it. But it’s really Satan who’s whispering in ears, telling them that no matter what they do (including affairs and infidelity), if they’re happy, it’s completely justified.
As long as we can nurture and submit to one another, along with submitting to one another in the spirit of Christ, along with tending to the needs of each other, then a marriage can be successful. Don’t take each other for granted, put in the time, and make small, intentional choices to love each other well and fulfill each other’s needs every single day and you’ll be on the right path.
Kyle Campbell